Wow. I haven't posted anything on here for a week. I apologize sincerely!
I'm still kind of in a weird space like I was last Monday. I don't feel good but I don't feel so terrible. But I am having those odd trance-like states in which I envision myself carrying out a suicide plan. All in all things are better than they were two weeks ago (I can't believe it's been two weeks already).
Things haven't been going very well in terms of eating, however. I called my dietitian and told her that I no longer wanted to see her, that there is no point in us meeting if my eating disorder is pretty much calling the shots.
I've been seeing an eating disorder specialist doctor (I'll call her Dr. S) once a week at my uni's Student Health clinic. I really like her, but she doesn't seem to think that I'll be able to last the rest of the semester if I keep behaving like I do (that is, restricting). She asked me what I see myself doing if I do make it through the semester-- would I end up back in residential treatment? I told her that I wouldn't go back. Why invest all of that money and time in something that is essentially futile?
So I guess there has been some improvement in my life. I wonder if I'll make it over the hump and into "happiness" territory. Experience tells me likely not.
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4 comments:
My sponsor was a fairly young woman who went to OA. now all these years on, hse seems to have an impressively un-neurotic relationship with food in that she does not have to restrict what she eats in order to stay balanced. ie used to be no sugar, but she can have sugar without overdoing it.
All the women I know with eating disorders of one sort or another go to OA. Its very common over here.And many do not go through in house programs. Meaning they get well just by making good use of OA for free. Have you never tried it? Like AA, the trick is finding a GREAT meeting from the selection nearby..
I was a pretty bad case, re alcoholism back in the day, and myself and lots of my seriously bad alky friends) got sober and stayed sober just using AA. So I know that it 'works' without any need for professional assistance. Back then in 88, there was much less treatment centers, so most got well in AA and that was that. It is only now that people think it is 'normal' to go to some in house treatment. I know seriously crazy people that got well with AA (ie 12 step) alone. some real nutters :) so thats been my experience.
btw GOOD !!!!!!!! LUCK!!! on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe
god love you. Exam pressure sucks :) Nice to know I am not alone with exam hell :)
I will vross my fingers for you Thursday girlee :0
BTW I thought i was a hopeless case just like you. i was wrong ;)
I felt soooooooooooo bad when I was new, that this is the way I used to determine if I was making progress. ie doing something RIGHT.
If I felt in ? any way better than before, I decided I MUST be doing something right, and I was to keep on doing it, wether I liked it or not. and if i felt WORSE, then the opposite. It kind of sidesteps the intellect, and follows the feelings without question.
I think you sound like you are better (relatively) than you were before. Rome wasnt built in a day grlee, and I remember the AA saying, The only instant thing in AA is the coffee', but they were right. i just had to keep on keepin on. Keep doing the next right thing. Doing my lousy best. thats it. Very unspectacular :) but it works :) And I would be dead or locked up somewhere if it were not for this programme. I am pretty sure of that. So you never know eh? TRY to keep an open mind, even if you secretly believe you know ALL the answers. Just humor me :) and see what happens..
Anyway, must get to those books.. GOOD LUCK NOS!!!!!!
and thanks for keeping us posted :)
NOS, glad to see you have posted.
((((NOS))))
Here listening
Good Morning NOS,
So happy you are feeling a bit better....
Thanks for stopping by. That was interesting about the gratitude list in your class. I think it is really true. When I focus on what I have, I am happier.
I think we become what we think about.
You said experience has shown you that this feeling you are having won't last. I heard a wise person say once....
You have experienced many things in your life, but that is not who you are.
It helped me....
I experienced alot of bad things in my life, but realized that was not who I was.
Things could be different.
Just my two cents sweety...
I am so happy you found Ms. S. and you like her. :)
Blessings and Hugs,
Tammy
You have experienced many things in your life, but that is not who you are.
great quote F Free :)
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