Wow. I haven't posted anything on here for a week. I apologize sincerely!
I'm still kind of in a weird space like I was last Monday. I don't feel good but I don't feel so terrible. But I am having those odd trance-like states in which I envision myself carrying out a suicide plan. All in all things are better than they were two weeks ago (I can't believe it's been two weeks already).
Things haven't been going very well in terms of eating, however. I called my dietitian and told her that I no longer wanted to see her, that there is no point in us meeting if my eating disorder is pretty much calling the shots.
I've been seeing an eating disorder specialist doctor (I'll call her Dr. S) once a week at my uni's Student Health clinic. I really like her, but she doesn't seem to think that I'll be able to last the rest of the semester if I keep behaving like I do (that is, restricting). She asked me what I see myself doing if I do make it through the semester-- would I end up back in residential treatment? I told her that I wouldn't go back. Why invest all of that money and time in something that is essentially futile?
So I guess there has been some improvement in my life. I wonder if I'll make it over the hump and into "happiness" territory. Experience tells me likely not.