I'm trying determine how I am feeling today, and I'm having a hard time. I am not feeling as acutely suicidal as I was on Thursday, so maybe the I'mNotSickButI'mNotWellbutrin is doing something. But nonetheless I feel weird. Not numb, not good. I have been having tiny vivid episodes during the day during which I plan my suicide-- they're really odd. They feel almost trance-like.
I've been having the thought that my early death is inevitable, so why prolong life? Why not just give into my Thanatos?
My friend SH is on pass from the residential treatment center that I went to last year, and she contacted me. I felt really bad being honest with her about how I am doing-- I feel like I am a burden or somehow bringing her down. I didn't even tell her about how I have completely relapsed in terms of my eating disorder, I only told her about my depression. I'm worried that she may decide to cut off contact with me because my presence may not be conducive to her recovery. I really don't have any friends to spare.
I guess we'll have to see where the next few days take me. To my grave? Or someplace else?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Dear Nos,
I am glad you are feeling a bit better. Thanks for such a heartfelt comment on my blog. It has been a very rough week. The comments mean alot to me. I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you have a really great intellect. I had to look thanatos up....and you have a good heart.
(NOS)
Blessings,
Tammy
Try not to think of something new or unfamiliar being something REALLY BAD.
This is what we cal catastrophising. Very negative. Yes it seems unfamilar, but who knows? Maybe good Maybe bad? as they say
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/06/maybe-good-maybe-bad-who-knows.html
"Maybe good, maybe bad, who knows?"
A Taoist Parable of a Farmer
“The Taoist prefers to look at life events without judgment or interpretation. According to Taoism, the true significance of events can never be understood as they are occurring for in every event there are elements of both good and bad. Furthermore, each event has no specific beginning or end and may influence future events for years or even centuries to come. An excellent example of the Taoist view of life is found in the parable of the Taoist Farmer.
“There once was a Taoist Farmer. One day the Taoist farmer's only horse broke out of the corral and ran away. The farmer's neighbors all hearing of the horse running away, came to the Taoist Farmer's house to view the corral. As they stood there, the neighbors all said "Oh what bad luck!" The Taoist farmer replied 'maybe.'
“About a week later, the horse returned bringing with it a whole herd of wild horses which the Taoist Farmer and his son quickly corralled. The neighbors hearing of the corralling of the horses came to see for themselves. As they stood there looking at the corral filled with horses, the neighbors said "Oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied 'maybe.'
“A couple of weeks later, the Taoist farmer's son's leg was badly broken when he was thrown from a horse he was trying to break. A few days later the broken leg became infected and the son became delirious with fever. The neighbors all hearing of the incident, came to see the son. As they stood there, the neighbors said "oh what bad luck." The Taoist farmer replied 'maybe.'
“At that same time in China, there was a war going on between two rival Warlords. The Warlord of the Taoist farmer's village was involved in this war. In need of more soldiers, he sent one of his captains to the village to conscript young men to fight in the war. When the captain came to take the Taoist Farmer's son he found a young man with a broken leg who was delirious with fever. Knowing there was no way the son could fight, the captain left him there. A few days later, the son's fever broke. The neighbors hearing of the son's not being taken to fight in the war and of his return to good health all came to see him. As they stood there, each one stated "oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied 'maybe.'
Then he revealed the secret of his wisdom. "It is not for us to know what is good or bad. It is only for us to be fully engaged in the adventure of living, for how can we know what event is ultimately good or bad? That is the future and we can only know the now which is never good or bad, only part of the adventure. Who knows?"
re the thoughts of suicide, average tv shows, people that irritate you, or ? anything else for that matter...
Heres an AA slogan..
"You're not responsible for the FIRST thought that comes into your head,
But you ARE responsible for the SECOND thought,
And for the FIRST action."
Try to keep an OPEN mind about what you are experiencing every day, and TRY to do the next right thing.
Theres no need to take yourself so seriously. Why not tell your friend your eating is gone a bit pear shaped? Whats the worst that can happen? do you thin she will tell you off and hang up on you?
Another AA slogan
The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind, don’t matter
And this applies to everyone. Inc the girl you mention. I have always found this to be the case. Try t oentertain the idea that this new idea may contain some truth, even if you are secretly CONVINCED that you are right.
Try to keeo n open mind as they say.
Last AA quote (!)
Minds are like parachutes, they do not work unless they are OPEN.
hehe
Thanks for posting. Interesting as ever :)
you are still free to call me on skype and !!!! shock and !!!!!! horrify me by telling me how 'special and different' you are :) You can throw a few insults in there too if you like. :) Makes no difference as I stopped worrying what people think of me a loooong time ago :)
Thinking about you....(((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
I don't know what i was saying. Its just that its hard to live through life with loads of guilt.
good luck to you :)
Post a Comment