I'm trying determine how I am feeling today, and I'm having a hard time. I am not feeling as acutely suicidal as I was on Thursday, so maybe the I'mNotSickButI'mNotWellbutrin is doing something. But nonetheless I feel weird. Not numb, not good. I have been having tiny vivid episodes during the day during which I plan my suicide-- they're really odd. They feel almost trance-like.
I've been having the thought that my early death is inevitable, so why prolong life? Why not just give into my Thanatos?
My friend SH is on pass from the residential treatment center that I went to last year, and she contacted me. I felt really bad being honest with her about how I am doing-- I feel like I am a burden or somehow bringing her down. I didn't even tell her about how I have completely relapsed in terms of my eating disorder, I only told her about my depression. I'm worried that she may decide to cut off contact with me because my presence may not be conducive to her recovery. I really don't have any friends to spare.
I guess we'll have to see where the next few days take me. To my grave? Or someplace else?