I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mom-- I had been ignoring her calls since Tuesday, but for some reason I picked up today. It was only a 5 minute phone call, but she asked how I was doing and asked if I wanted her to call tomorrow. I said no, I didn't want that. When we were hanging up she slipped in an "I love you [NOS]."
I feel so terribly guilty. I am such a horrible child, but for some reason my mom still loves me. I really don't deserve her love. My mom has to live life in constant fear that I may kill myself. I constantly behave like I'm angry with her when really I am just taking my depression out on the only person who will take it. She has spent inordinate amounts of money to get me therapy and treatment only to have me fuck everything up every single time. Yet still she loves me. I wish she didn't. I deserve nothing.
Oh, and remember the talk I was supposed to have with EN on Thursday night? Well, we had it. Walking together from a meeting to a few blocks from our apartments (we're neighbors) where she left me to go have sex with the guy she is currently sleeping with. I was in tears, and she left me. What a great "friend."