I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mom-- I had been ignoring her calls since Tuesday, but for some reason I picked up today. It was only a 5 minute phone call, but she asked how I was doing and asked if I wanted her to call tomorrow. I said no, I didn't want that. When we were hanging up she slipped in an "I love you [NOS]."
I feel so terribly guilty. I am such a horrible child, but for some reason my mom still loves me. I really don't deserve her love. My mom has to live life in constant fear that I may kill myself. I constantly behave like I'm angry with her when really I am just taking my depression out on the only person who will take it. She has spent inordinate amounts of money to get me therapy and treatment only to have me fuck everything up every single time. Yet still she loves me. I wish she didn't. I deserve nothing.
Oh, and remember the talk I was supposed to have with EN on Thursday night? Well, we had it. Walking together from a meeting to a few blocks from our apartments (we're neighbors) where she left me to go have sex with the guy she is currently sleeping with. I was in tears, and she left me. What a great "friend."
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5 comments:
I so sorry NOS.
Remember your Mom does love you
(((((NOS)))))
Here with you.
I'm sorry to hear about how your friend has been treating you.
NOS,
As I am reading this, I wonder what happened to you to make you think you are unworthy of love? I hope I am not being too forward.
I am not asking for an answer or anything. I just wonder.
You are a bright, articulate, and encouraging person with a beautiful heart.
How do I know? Every time you leave a beautiful comment on my blog, it is from your heart. You encourage me. That was so nice what you said, yesterday about my writing.
If your blog was not here, something would be missing, too.
You.
Thanks for always writing me such nice things. I really mean this. They are special to me. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
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