Yesterday was a rough day. I had many low points, but somehow I got through them.
Today had the potential to be a good day, but wasn't. My sister A came over so I could tutor her for the GREs. She's four years older than me and I haven't taken the GREs yet, but I'm a part-time calculus teacher/tutor so she wants me to help her. I was really looking forward to seeing her-- we hadn't seen each other since my grandfather's unveiling in June. The math was boring, but we also talked and went to Target to pass some time. We had a good time together.
But something terrible happened today. I found my mother's weight journal chronicling her ongoing bout of anorexia. I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that her weight is so low, the fact that I am the designated patient in the family when there are others just as sick as me or that she doesn't love me enough to admit that she has a problem and that her problem has an effect on me. (Wow, I'm actually crying as I type that.)
I'm not one to whine about how sad my life is because I am really a fortunate girl. (I should make the important distinction between being sad and having a sad life. I am extremely depressed, but my life circumstances have been relatively good.) But I genuinely feel that no one in this world besides my dog loves me. I am lonely.
S wants me to visit him (read: have sex with him) at the end of the month. I can thing of nothing less appealing right now.
In fact, only death is appealing right now. I want to get out of this.
About Me
2 comments:
(((((NOS)))) It Will get better. Just Hang On!!!
Your post had an interesting effect on me, ultimately leaving me with a feeling of encouragement - now hear me out. Seeing your despair initially was tearing my heart to pieces, and that oddly enough made me feel a little bit better inside: I realized I actually, legitimately care about you, for no explainable reason, because seeing you sad, made me sad. That doesn't happen to me too often. I'm not a sociopath, but I am emotionally twisted. Seeing this side of me made me realize, if I'm able to connect with this person, with you, maybe I'm a little bit human after all...
Enough about me, I know you'll persevere. You're strong enough to have made it this far, take comfort in knowing you have the strength push on no matter what, to face anything life will throw at you.
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